Monday, December 26, 2011

Scarborough Fair


Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Remember me to one who lives there,

she once was a true love of mine.


Tell her to make me a cambric shirt.

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Without no seams nor needlework.

Then she'll be a true love of mine.


Tell her to find me an acre of land.

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Between salt water and the sea strands.

Then she'll be a true love of mine.


Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Remember me to one who lives there,

she once was a true love of mine.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

AFA 2011

Cosplay Competition is so AWESOME!!~ Philippines got 1st for Dissidia~ 2nd for Final Fantasy XIII (Thailand)... 3rd for Kamen Rider (Indonesia).. i thought Kamen Rider would at least get 2nd.. Judges must have love Final Fantasy so much~ LOL!! But Dissidia performance was great!! so alike.. XD

Warrior of Light VS Granbrath... The Granbrath sword was so detailed and Warrior of Light was actually a girl.. but look so like the original one!!~

Taken many pics.. until my camera battery went flat~ So many nice Cosplay!!~ sigh just didn't take much pics with them~ I remembered I took with Winter Miku and Lenalee.. Lenalee is so pretty and cute~ DAMN!~ XD

I even bought a Katana Umbrella lol~ I guess everyone is watching wherever I go~ :P

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Psychiatrist

Seen my psychiatrist today.. he gave me some weird pills.. it's for my mood~ he said there would be side effects.. like either drowsy or cannot sleep.. he asked which one do I want.. I told him I don't want to take medicine.. he said I should listen to him since I have been so down for so long.. there is 20 pills.. he asked me to take each day and I have to go back at 22~ I don't know what to do.. I don't want to take.. I'm afraid he asked about the things to test me if I'm happier now or is the pills bitter~ I'm afraid to lie..

My next visit.. he asked me to bring my mom along.. I don't like this feeling.. I don't like my mom to know.. I should just keep this to myself.. I'm afraid he would tell my mom.. I'm sure I wouldn't be talking much that day.. I don't want to say anything.. I'm feeling so stress.. I really wished I could die..

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Vehicle Commander

It felt so great just sitting there and people driving you.. even when there is red light.. there would be Military Police stopping the cars for you and just drive through.. you don't know how great it felt.. every curious people will be looking where-ever we go.. Some would even point.. Totally felt like a Prince travelling from one place to another.. hahaha~ All we did was to move 12 Guns to other camp.. we did 6 yesterday and 6 again today..

Yesterday there is also accident.. the military police's bike's side basket got crushed by the loan loader.. HARDCORE!! just right in front of my eyes.. that's the first time I see accident right in an instant.. A few more inches I guess I would be seeing gore.. luckily the motorist is safe.. He just smiled with the embarrassment I guess.. the face of "=.=" we were then afraid our time would have to delay so we wouldn't get home early.. luckily the one who are involved is the driver and the vehicle commander.. lol~

I'm so afraid to sleep in any vehicle again.. I might be responsible for any accident that happened to my vehicle.. It was as if something wanted me to watch the guy having accident.. I were playing PSP in the truck until there were no battery left.. so I just have to see the scenery as I have got nothing to do and that happened.. that day.. I even talked to friend about gore and suicide.. he even talked about how his father go over a guy and had killed instantly with his head smashed and his father had to wash the wheel and there were brains and hair and he said his father puked.. lol~ and we talked before that happened.. when my friend heard about the accident.. he thought that motorist would have died..

Death really follow us whenever we go and they could happened anytime..

Monday, October 24, 2011

Apologizing..


Apologizing..

Does not always mean you are wrong and the other person is right..

It just means you value your relationship more than your ego..

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Dead

I never seem alive.. Inside of me felt worst than Death... Tomorrow will be my PES review.. sigh.. why should I even get a temporary in the 1st place? My life have never been good then.. I really hate myself.. As what happened today.. it did rain so heavily.. Why are they always connected to me~?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Insane..

My mind is rumbling with mumbling... I'm going insane soon.. I can't take it any more!! :'(

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Useless

Everytime.. You just reminds me that I'm useless.. You no longer needed me.. I am not worth your time.. You make me hate myself so much.. You made me so Lost and Confused.. You said you will think about it.. but nothing happened.. yet you deleted me.. I should be hating you instead~ but why can't I do that??? Why am I still in Love with you so deeply??? If it's True Love.. why does this even happened??? Sigh, I'm so tired... :'(

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Hating My Life

I have still been stress all this while.. I just can't get you out of my mind.. I felt sick again.. I went to drink with friends yet I couldn't get drunk.. instead I puke.. I'm so tired of my Life.. I'm very confused and didn't know what to do.. They say you are lucky to have me, because no other boys would have care and find another girl.. but it isn't I'm the one who is lucky.. :'(

Army is also being so stressful to me.. I have to remember all my store items and have to cope alone in future.. I'm so tired of Life... What's the point of crying till now?? I felt cold in my heart again... I felt it numb.. I felt weak.. I couldn't eat..

I will wait for you.. wait forever if it is..
I'm waiting for you to add me back... waiting for your message.. waiting for your everything.. but I'm so afraid you wouldn't dare to approach me.. I really don't know what to do.. I'm Lost.. Everyday I think about suicide.. but then I can't..
Sorry I'm still deeply in Love with you..

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Rain..

As expected.. it started to rain today.. quite heavy.. I'm waiting for more.. This cool feeling when walking all the way back.. cold winds blows and the dark clouds slowly covers the areas and I slowly walking back on this big field, looking up at the sky.. so perfect, the way I want.. In front of me are light and darkness behind me are slowly swallowing them every minute.. a little drizzle starts when I'm near my destination.. It only started to rain heavily after I went into shelter..

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Rain Day..

Soon it's going to Rain.. everyday.. non-stop raining..

I will have to focus.. I will have to find time.. I must to prove this.. I must do it right..

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Eternal Pain..

How can this pain seems so eternity.. It just never ends.. I teared this for these 2 days, before I sleep, and even awake.. I even teared while waiting for bus, teared while in the bus.. but it isn't obvious.. but I guess my friend saw.. I don't know.. I just could no longer control myself.. In the end, all I get in return in Pain..

Nothing have really proven my Life is worth to Live.. even before I met you, you changed my Life so much.. I was a happy person then, I'm very happy to be with you.. to talk to you, even though I can't really see you.. You made my day everyday.. You showed me many things.. but then all seems to have Lost.. I have lost everything once again.. I felt so Lost.. I don't know what to do.. where to start..

You said we can still be brother and sister, you said we can still best friend.. but the way you reply and talk doesn't seem like it.. I told you but you said it's just how I felt, if this were to be not me but others.. do you really think they would felt this way too?? We didn't even talk for months.. So what are you really trying to say or do??

You never feel how hurt I felt.. You said you don't wanna hurt me but why are you doing this?? So in an exchange for your own Happiness for my Pain?? isn't that selfish too?? You don't need me.. You don't want me.. If you would really support me, we would have gone thru this together.. there is no reason for this to end.. ;'(

It's already 4Am yet I don't felt like sleeping, waking up is Painful..

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Bad Life

Got fever near booking out... zZz.. how bad it is.. can't sleep at night.. feeling so damn cold when the fan blow.. but wake up feeling hot and like sweating.. I don't really know why but it seems.. I.. Have.. Used.. Too.. Much.. Power?? LOL.. something I want it to happened... really happened on Monday.. coincidence? I don't know.. but it always happens when I "hope" for it.. but anyway... good thing I got to rest the whole day in the sick bay.. but bad thing is I got to put drip.. lol.. Needle poking in my arms.. that feeling.. WOOO!! still can bear.. I don't know why.. but I feel like I want to get poked again~ lol.. just feel like getting that feeling again.. to me it seems that days for book out is a little too less.. sigh~ we got to book out so late!! how unfair.. NS system totally suck man.. Even got to serve me lunch with curry bee hoon.. OMG man.. I'm having fever people!!! I thought they will be giving something more plain instead..!! I so hope I can finished this 2 years.. I felt so lost already yet i'm stucked here.. sigh.. I really had such a bad life..

Monday, May 16, 2011

1st book out from NS

Woooo overall I like my military training lol.. I actually like my bunk mates and think I'm lucky to have them.. we are always the earliest.. however I hate my buddy so much.. I'm so unlucky to get him as my buddy.. that guy is lazy as hell!!~

Hmm in the end in the middle of night everyday, I started tearing because of you.. I miss you so much.. I don't know what to do.. I don't know what is my next goal.. I'm just going through my Life blanklessly.. Even for such a long time of being inside.. I still ask myself every night.. what really is life.. is there God.. am I fated to be like this? if there is.. will they help me?? I'm not a superstitious person but I have so many things in mind.. I need help.. but who?? no one can see my sadness in the Day.. but I'm totally a different person at Night.. :'(

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Stressing Forever

Because of you.. I felt so stress.. I don't know how much longer I can take.. Having to feel like pulling all my hair out.. I'm very tired.. I hope I can fall soon.. still can't sleep at night.. ;'(

I don't know why I'm like this.. I hate myself so much.. I want to hate you for doing this to me but I can't.. I don't feel it.. It just make me in such painful situation now... ;'( I really need to kill myself... Stop this pain.. I hate it... I don't know how much can I take..

And you say you don't like games.. why are you playing now?? Because I'm not the one who need to reflect.. you too need to.. sigh.. I just don't know how come I would end up in this state.. ;'(

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tears of Rain


Till today.. I'm still tearing for someone, who have been avoiding me.. I'm such a pest.. I'm so lost.. I don't know what to do.. yet no one can helped me.. I wish I have a brain damage.. I can't forget everything.. I can't do anything.. how I wish I was dead.. I still dream of you.. it's so painful.. I woke up tearing..

it's again raining.. it will never stops..

Monday, April 4, 2011

3 Months yet I can't get rid of it~


Saving up all this coins.. till 100 already for buddypokes.. I'm waiting, so I can post on your wall one day.. but it seems I'm irritating to you.. avoiding me so much.. Leaving me so blank and confused, sad and hurt.. yet you didn't help to cheer me up~ Is that how you treat someone with Love? or just because your irritated at the same time with me?? For my own good or for my own bad?? If that is so I wouldn't be hurting so long..

Now it's summer and your not online.. Seems you say you are busy for school days.. you are always lying.. I know you won't like me saying.. then I will say they are all excuses.. saying your treating me like a brother or we can still be best fren, and say I think that way.. I don't want to think that way.. but your making me feel that way.. is saying those also an excuse? or a lie? But I think lying is even worst then hiding my thoughts.. so much worst..

You once said your sorry maybe it's your fault and you don't what you are doing sometimes.. then what about me? You can't just leave me like this..!! It hurts me so much everytime.. There are many kind of trust.. I don't know which one you are talking about so I just say I don't know~ If that have hurt you then I'm sorry.. but if you really Love someone, you wouldn't let go.. instead going through with them~ So what happened even if I grow? You wouldn't come back anymore no matter how much I Love You.. It makes me sad thinking and writing here.. If you don't want me to end my life.. what should I do when I can't get this off? Maybe you don't love me anymore becuz you say why do I care so much.. becuz I still love you.. but it seems you don't care now.. like I said before.. I Love You more than you Love me~ ;'(

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Waiting for??

Waking up feeling so tired.. yet I don't know what am I doing?? My heart feeling so stress and pumping hard.. Why I hold on even when I'm still in pain?? Is that True Love?? I just hope you can be with me together again.. but what you do seems so cold and I don't think what I want will happened.. WHY?? It's seems you don't Love me any more, your giving up on me.. I never had a chance.. and why don't I have that chance again?? You even promised to wait for me 2 years in NS.. you may have forgotten, but I didn't.. Maybe I will wait till I turn stone?? Waiting for my Love..

Friday, April 1, 2011

Never Ending Pain and Love..

Leaving me alone.. Loving you in silence.. hurts me so bad.. You said you care.. but I see nothing.. Just concerned in the mind.. No action.. I always asked myself, why am I still Loving someone so deeply still when she doesn't care anymore? Why am I Loving someone who is so cold and cruel towards me when it's not even worth it? I really hate myself.. I hate my life.. Been 3 months yet I'm still tearing for this.. Are you doing all this to make me Hate you?? Is that what you want?? ;'(

Friday, March 18, 2011

Shooting Star

Yesterday night.. I was sleeping half way and suddenly pain starts coming to my back and chest when I breathe.. So painful.. It's like needle stabbing.. it won't stop.. I get up.. I try not to breathe so hard or the pain will come back..I get up and I looked out of my window at the dark sky while calming my body down..

The time was about 12.30am+.. I keep looking and looking and on my left corner of my eye I saw shooting stars.. I think I saw one.. because it can't be imagination, it can't be a plane because it was so fast!! It's like a fire work but going downwards with lines following behind.. after that it was gone because the block towards me blocked it.. stupid humans creations.. of course I was happy and I faster made a wish.. I wish for so many things.. am I greedy?? lol..

It was so beautiful.. I think it's the second time I saw it through this window.. Am I being lucky?? It's very rare to see one.. I still wait for a while more before I sleep, nothing more happened.. it's really rare.. but I can't sleep.. the last time I see is 2am+.. I woke up so early today!! it was 6am+ but I get up at 8am+ because my body is still tired, but my mind is clear.. now my eyes is so stressed..

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Let Karma do everything..

Well.. nothing did happened on that day.. sigh.. I woke up at 6 today and had a hard time sleeping.. I'm so weak and tired I get up at 2pm already.. Then it started to rain after I woke up.. It always happens.. sigh.. hmm really this isn't the Li Yang I used to know.. changed a lot.. or stress.. I don't know but she seems so cold and cruel towards me already..

I do feel bad when I said I didn't trust you.. because people I trust just keep hurting me.. I didn't say I do because I'm so confused.. I didn't really know what you mean actually.. but I know my heart did not say "I don't know" because after you leave me.. it hurts so much.. someday you will know.. Karma will get you.. and you will know how I felt when you trust someone so much and they betrayed you.. I'm not cursing but I'm just saying.. Well I do felt betrayed but I can't say you betrayed me.. but isn't it too coincidence you got so sick after you leave me?? Maybe it is but we never know.. I will just let Karma do everything..

Monday, March 14, 2011

Anniversary

It doesn't matter how hurt I will be.. as long as you are happy.. I just want to say Happy Anniversary Dear... I Love You .. Having pain for 2 months and more isn't what someone can normally do.. I'm still glad I'm alive struggling, it may be hard but I will try.. but I hope you wouldn't be so cruel to leave me like that.. good luck for your exams tomorrow, I know it must been hard for you also.. All I want is to show you support but it seems you want to do this alone then maybe I should let you do what you want.. Is it really useful supporting someone in silence? I don't think that will work.. I just hope I can be better now.. I'm only afraid to sleep or wake up.. :')

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Afraid to Sleep..

I was feeling fine yesterday night.. but when I woke up this morning, my mind was thinking about you again.. I even dreamt that today was our Anniversary, I even see cakes.. My mind wouldn't stop thinking and I couldn't sleep.. I thought it was 1pm or smth because yesterday I sleep late, it was 10am.. I normally don't wake at this time.. because my mind keep running the thoughts of you.. I'm very stress and frustrated I started crying.. Why do I always have to be like this the next day?? Why can't I stop thinking about you??

I start to think what's the point of crying when you no longer cry for me any more?? I started to sob badly after thinking of that.. In my mind, it's endless thoughts of suicide.. I can't control my mind any more, I'm tired of my body, my mind and you!! I try to get up of my bed, nobody was home.. I felt weak, my whole body is feeling numb.. I look in the mirror, my eyes are red.. tears are still in my eyes, I still have a glum face.. Tomorrow is our Anniversary.. I don't know how I can take the pain again.. I just hope you can accept me soon, better for tomorrow.. so we can start again.. I Love You.. so deep.. it hurts~ ;'(

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Die from Love Sick

Feeling so weak.. Sigh.. I didn't sleep well.. My mind was running, I teared morning and nights.. I couldn't stop.. I'm so tired, my mind is, my body is~ My throat hurts.. I still woke up early, yet my body is so weak to get up.. My mind can't rest.. I just hope I just die.. I can't breathe, my heart is cold again.. I'm not feeling very well.. I just hope I can die from sickness.. the pain is killing me already~

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bad Life

Having diarrhea this morning.. My tummy then aren't good, sigh~ I'm too stress.. I don't have appetite to eat tonight~ I cried my eyes so swollen.. I don't really know what to do, I felt very stress and have no one to talk to~ Keeping all this pain alone in my heart.. It's very unpleasant.. I felt very sick, being so weak these days.. I have been suspecting your friend, but I can't really tell~ Because you would scold me if I do, you would get mad at me~ but it's just a feeling.. I really want to tell you about it, but I can't now.. sigh.. I will let Karma do the things then~ Whatever bad things they do, they shall get it in return so they would understand how I feel.. The thing is whenever I'm down it rains~ :'(

The Girl in my picture

Sigh~ I still teared badly yesterday night and the night before.. I really hope I can be with you soon.. I'm so unlucky yesterday I used until there is no more tissue.. sound stupid right?? maybe.. I also woke up at 4.46am~ sigh.. You were running in my mind whole day..

I really love you so much, I really hope I can be with you one day.. I want to go out and have fun with you, spent my time with you.. Would you please stay and be with me forever?? Let me be the most special person in your Heart.. A person that can make you smile, laugh and tear together.. A someone who can spent your rest of life with.. Will you be my girl and hold my hands through this together?? All this pain, sorrow, happiness and joy..

I already have the image of everything in my head.. A picture frame of you and me beside our future home.. The joy to see you everyday and soon enough there may be a third person in the picture~ our child.. I would like the smile on your face when you are fetching him/her to school.. It will make me very happy to see such a scene~ You are the girl I want to marry.. Please Stay~ It's 4 more days to our Anniversary.. the day we started~ ;'(

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Deep Love, Deep Wound

It's really hard to trust someone.. I have seen many many people being betrayed by others that's why I keep saying I don't trust yet sometimes I don't know what I'm doing.. I must have hurt you so much.. I'm so sorry but please forgive me~ I may say I don't trust but in my heart I do.. :( I really hope you can come back, I will be waiting for this day.. The day I put on a wedding ring, didn't you say you want to grow old with me?? I have many things in my mind already, I would like to travel with you and stuff.. I really hope I can spent the rest of my life with you, if you would to let me.. I like to see your smile, really~ I hope I can see it one day, see your most beautiful smile in my life and everyday~ I Love You so Much~ ;'(

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Hope

Still feeling so weak.. sigh.. If everyone things that everything can't last.. why be so serious and got hurt in the end?? I didn't think that way because I'm really serious.. Calling you Lao Po means I'm ready to be with you forever~ Why can you leave me when you treated me as your hubby? If it's my fault I can change.. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect.. I can't find a perfect girl also.. but I still want you.. You said you don't look good and there are people better but I don't care.. I only want you!!!

My dear.. I don't have much time to spent with you already, I hope you can accept me as soon as possible.. 2 years isn't long.. Because I can still book out to talk to you.. so please~ Let's be something people can envy~ 9 Months through Facebook that's good already.. let me get to know you more then~ ^^

Monday, March 7, 2011

Feeling Weak

Sigh.. I guess I'm also sick now.. My body is so numb and weak.. Don't have much energy, I have running nose the whole day and sneezing~ You don't feel like replying me and talking to me.. I can only accept it.. I'm sad and down, I don't want you to know now.. I try to be happy because I don't want you to go sad with me.. I don't want to bother you much because you have many things in school.. sigh~ I guess I have to sacrifice till the end till my very last breath and I hope I can make you happy.. I try to be strong, I'm trying.. I'm just like Naruto, I won't give up.. It's painful but I won't give up~ I approach you to ask if you could accept me again because you are a shy person, because you will never approach me and ask me for it.. but when will you accept me again?? ;'(

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm waiting, Girl..

I'm just trying to spice up our Love life every once in a while.. I try to surprise you as much as you can, I treated you this way so I can make you feel Special.. I guess I have messed things up.. Just approaching me.. is that so difficult? for even once, I'm just asking for once.. Too much?? If you really treat me as a hubby, you would just try your best to approach me.. I will just be very happy to see that.. but it seems you don't trust me that I will go there after my NS, you really don't.. I can feel it.. also because you are not sure whether you will still wait for me, because you think it's long.. I just hope Singapore don't have NS then.. sigh~ If you were also to think positive and really do treat me as your hubby.. it would be "Yes!! I can wait for him.. so one day when he had finished his NS and I'm will be done with my studies.. I will wait for him so he can give me a BIG HUG when he comes here!!"

Now hello?? who kidnapped the supportive and cheerful Li Yang I know?? This isn't the cute Li Yang.. I hope she can comes back soon..!! huhuhu, this girl is so cold towards me right now

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Exhausted, Giving up Life

All I can now is to write my Pain and Sorrows here.. Nobody can exactly feel what I feel now.. Everything turned out wrong.. I no longer have the intention to live.. I'm tired of my life.. I have lost what I'm going in future.. I lost my dreams.. I have lost everything.. My life is always bad in the end.. I know I'm not perfect.. I have so many flaws.. People just can't accept the way I am.. I'm a failure, I'm useless.. I really don't understand humans.. What they really want?? I'm not worth living.. I cant do anything.. Whatever I do is wrong..

Heating up

Sigh.. I'm not feeling well already, every time I get heat up.. I have sleepy and heavy eyes.. but I don't want to sleep, I'm so afraid.. I have been attacked by my mind and I also my body.. I'm getting worst.. I don't know what to do.. I just feel like dying.. End it all~ Everything.. You didn't reply me, avoiding me.. yet you said your not... how can I believe?? Busy?? Yet you can have time to do other things.. I'm even upset and disappointed by this.. I'm getting better by how you talk nicely to me.. yet you did it again.. You just want me to die?? I'm so irritating to you?? I really don't understand.. I just hope I fall sick and die soon..

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Nightmares

I'm so afraid to sleep.. I had my nightmare just now again.. It's very terrible.. it's always coming to me, everyday... A mix of reality and dreaming.. it's very bad.. I woke with fear, I woke with my heart beating so hard and fast, and I breathe so heavily.. I couldn't stop this fear until now im writing.. It's so real and a dream at a same time..

I thought I would have lost you.. I see you abandoning this Facebook account.. You started blocking your pictures, you started deleting friends.. You start to change so fast, I'm so afraid you don't want to talk to me again.. I'm so afraid of you deleting me, leaving me alone and secretly create a new Facebook account.. I'm so afraid.. I don't want you to leave me again... I'm so afraid to sleep.. I slept at late 3+am.. but I woke at 8.45am.. everyday been like this.. I lack and lack of sleep everyday.. I woke because of this, I'm tired.. I fell asleep.. I woke up with hard beating so fast again.. so I stopped sleeping even when I'm tired.. I have to get up of bed and use the comp.. I don't know what to do.. the realistic nightmares just won't stop!! I only get this when I'm half awake.. because it starts to mix reality with dreams.. I feel so lost now.. ;'(

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Left Out Alone..

Why are you always hurting me like that?? You did online, but why didn't you reply my message?? You said you don't like to see me like this yet your always DOING IT!! I'm very sad and dissapointed.. You have really changed.. so much.. your so cold and cruel.. your not the Li Yang I know before ;'(

Monday, February 28, 2011

Cry baby

Sigh~ now I keep waking at 4am smth~ My eyes are still so tired.. I'm not only going to have a mental break down.. I think I'm falling sick soon.. Both my mind and body are being attacked~ Very terrible feeling now.. ;'( I also have dark circles.. even my mom said my chin turned sharper and say I have become skinny.. sigh~ I even cry when I eat, bath, sleep.. I'm so useless.. I can only cry.. I'm just so lost~ Cry baby!! why don't you just die?? Hate myself so much.. ;'(

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Insomia

Sigh~ I still can't sleep~ I woke up at 2am and I went to sleep again, I woke at 4am again~ I can't sleep.. All my mind is about you.. running and running.. I'm very sad, I really can't handle stress.. I have a psychology report.. that's why I get into different section in army, I can't touch guns, grenades and explosive.. they are afraid I might suicide?? Maybe... living is so hard for me now.. Not only my mind is tired, my body is too~ I'm getting sick soon.. ;'(

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Unseen Torturing

I feel so breathless.. It always happens.. It just make me feel like dying.. I'm very sad~ I hope I can end my life soon.. It's such a torture.. It's so painful... Everyday is a torture~ I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm very tired, very very tired of my life already.. I don't know how much more can I hold on.. I'm very sorry if I have leave you someday, I'm very sorry for my parents also.. Sorry for everyone.. ;'(

Overnight at cousin's house

Woke at 4am today~ sigh.. I'm sleeping at cousin house.. and I was still awake till 6am, only I started to get up~ My mind is thinking of you non-stop, my tears keep falling and falling.. I Miss You so much.. Where have the kind of caring Li Yang have go?? Every time our conversation seems plain, as if she doesn't want to talk to me much.. I felt so left out, abandoned and alone~ My Life is so Miserable.. ;'(

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Restless

I slept at about 6pm~ and woke at 12am something, and I'm very awake.. and I try to sleep again.. I wake again at 2am something.. I started sobbing, and sobbing badly.. I know you cannot assure that you will still be there for the next 2 years I'm in NS, because I myself is afraid to lose you again.. but if you were to be there for me... I will be very happy.. I would just think I have a wife in Philippines waiting for me to go home.. so I can eat her delicious meals again~ haha.. or even imagine I have kids too.. It wouldn't be that hard.. but the way you think are making thing impossible and negatively because we are too far.. but have you remembered what you say to me before? Nothing is impossible..

It's more painful to leave me now then the past 2 years I just came out.. but why did you do it?? You really wish I'm your hubby then is this what you do?? Is this how deep your Love is?? Is that even your goal?? Don't you have a plan with me, when you Love me that much?? Yet you don't like seeing me sad, yet you can't do what I want or let me do what I want.. how are you going to make your love one happy?? Why does the one I always trust do this?? That is why I'm very afraid to trust.. So I'm not really sure to trust you or not yet this happened.. I know you are very hurt when I say I don't know if I trust you.. I'm very sorry dear but the things you do really don't make me feel that way~ It takes 2 to clap.. I'm exchanging my sorrow for your happiness right now, Your happy now so you don't have to be sad to see me sad.. If you really Love me, I hope you can accept me and wait for me.. If you want me to share my sadness with you, share my happiness with you, then we should just go through together.. that's just how it is for being together happily when you really love somebody.. ;'(

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Changed by Someone

You said you rather hurt yourself than seeing someone hurt~ I'm the one doing this.. Your like my role model~ I being positive because of you, I do this because of you.. But in the end.. This is what I get?? Your making me hurt more than yourself.. It's you the one who is always thinking for yourself, I cared for you so much.. You didn't even care when I'm down.. You just asked, you don't help.. You don't know how to.. when I tell you how.. You wouldn't do it.. Why are you always messing things up~?? How am I going to be positive and trust someone again?? Why are you thinking it's impossible now??? I really hate what you did to me~ You are not the one I know before, you have changed a lot.. seriously.. ;'(

Reality Nightmare

Why?? Is it impossible?? why are you doing this??? You think I'm far~ You are making it impossible.. Then should what you said is all a lie?? Nothing is impossible.. Yeah.. But I don't see it~!!! Why are you always making me down, sad, tears~ You really like to see me sad?? Is that how you do to your love ones?? You doesn't really know how I feel.. I'm very afraid to sleep.. every time I wake up in fear, I missed you so much.. It's not I want to.. I can't help it!! that's why I don't sleep.. I lacked of so much sleep.. I can't go back to sleep when I started thinking.. it's very painful~!! I hope I can end my life soon..

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hard to make someone happy?

As you can see.. I wanted to know more about you.. I did wrote on your wall once.. I asked you to write on your blog~ because I wanted to know about your life.. your school life or whatever, you didn't do it~ I just kept quiet.. I can remember you even reply, just "hehehe" Sometimes you just say Life is unfair.. it isn't.. It's people who are making it unfair~

Is this how you treat me as your hubby?? This is what I get?? How can I feel it?? I have already been honest with you.. I don't really know what is trust.. Why when I trust someone.. they did this?? I really want to see how deep is your Love for me~ I have done so much.. Is what I asked for really that much?? You don't like seeing me sad.. but there is nothing else you can do.. seriously~ ;'(

My life is so much meaningless without you.. How can I really trust someone, all my life have been so dark.. I really do appreciate being with you.. I'm no longer a sad person.. but why do you have to make me one?? I'm not one who likes to approach, but I tried my best.. everyday to approach you, I asked for a day.. you didn't even do it.. Is that how you want to make someone happy? I'm very sad.. very very sad.. I couldn't stop tearing now.. ;'(

I asked for a updating your blog, nothing.. I'm fine.. I asked if you can approach me 1st, still nothing~ It's not your like always busy.. sometimes you even have a little time to search for songs in youtube.. I just want to know more about you and your life~ Why can't? I asked for it already.. You don't like being expressive towards me, so I asked you to write in blog~ What else can I do.. Tell me?? What else?? Whatever I do is wrong to you..!! I even have to sacrifice this relationship in the end?? I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything because of you~ can't you just do me a small favour?? ;'(

Dear?~ Plz. . . . . just accept me a nd wait for me.. I would like to put on a Ring of Promise, Trust and even my Life on you some day~ I'm very sick and tired of Life already~

- Love Sick Sorrow and Heartbroken, Wen Jie ;'(

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Most Painful Experience

It's exactly 3.45am and I just came out from the bath room~ I sobbed like a kid, It was terrible.. thinking that this is the worst Valentine's gift I ever had.. Why?? Just why?? I still treat you like my dearest wife.. My hair haven't stopped falling, it's been so long.. weeks.. I asked my mom if stress causes this she says yes, she asked what am I stress about but I can only keep quiet.. It's hurting me so much..

My condition now is still very unstable.. I came out still sobbing badly~ my family had slept and I'm the only one awake.. I wouldn't want to sleep.. I would sob badly again~ I don't want to wake up.. Because I will definitely wake up very early and my mind would start running..

I hate my life so much.. You are the last person I can trust.. Why must I always be the one getting hurt by people?? I have no one to share my feelings now, I can't cry on my friends shoulder.. Whatever I say.. no one can be as clear as me.. no one would spend this kind of time on me.. I'm always left out alone.. nobody cares.. to keep this painful and hurting feelings in my heart because I never wanted you to be so angry at me again~

I might afraid we might quarrel... I don't want to give you more stress as you have schools and your FC.. Running away is a problem.. facing it is also a problem.. what should I do? You made the decision and your confused.. I'm even more confused.. I felt like I got hurt for nothing.. Why do you say it will lessen my sorrow if you come back? No.. I do get happy easily.. If I get what I wanted.. I know I may get sick, but I don't care, it's better if I got a high fever which leads to brain damage or die.. I just want to stop thinking, it's not I don't want to stop it's because I can't..

I don't know if it's about our distance, but I know it affects us very much.. I'm so sorry I can't visit you.. I don't have that money.. but I hope after my NS used the money to visit you.. nothing is false hope when you think it's possible.. because I have only treated you as my one and only wife.. So I have already done it and I don't believe I can't.. All is up to you, if you really treat me as your hubby then nothing is impossible.. ;'(

Quote for you

I will be there for you.. so please be there for me~ I will be waiting for you.. I Love You~ ;'(

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Soul-less Breath

It's very painful~ The mixture tiredness and sadness.. which makes me very hard to breathe now~ The soul-less breath I called.. I'm no different from the dead.. I which I could just sleep forever~

No matter how fun today is.. I will still be sad after that.. again and again.. I can't help myself.. I'm falling very deep.. I had my Graduation Ceremony today and after that I went to Lan to play with my cousin~ sigh.. I really wish I could die, I'm very tired.. ;'(

False Hope? or giving up?

I have found out that there are also people out there like me.. having a relationship through internet.. they also haven't met before.. There are 2 I know on facebook.. 1 of them got to see each other and they even got married and had a son.. From what I see it's possible!! but why are you making me feel so impossible??

Are you trying to break my goals?? Are you trying to help?? What's nothing is impossible when you think your giving me false hope?? or are you just giving up?? I guess you really feel bad when you don't never seen me.. but doing this makes me feels so hurt~ I'm not the one having negative thoughts~ you started to think about it already!! now you are just pushing me back to who I was before, I can never be positive this way!!~ Who can I still trust now??? :(

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Sad Valentine's Day

Sigh~ It's Valentine's Day, still it's very sad.. I'm very sad.. It should be double happiness, now it's double sorrow~ I want to tell you how much I Love You.. It should be our Monthsary today~ I should be happy.. I can't.. why is my life so painful?? I'm very happy you wrote reply me Happy Valentine's.. and even happier when you called me dear~ I also want to say Happy 11th Monthsary to you.. I can't!! I'm very sad, I'm very down.. My heart feels so sour and my tears just keep falling..

This is the most painful thing I have ever been thru in my life.. I'm still tearing everyday~ what an idiot!! taken you so seriously and treat you like my wife and never thought this happened.. Does relationship really affects you so much?? ;'(

And I have saved this for a long time and wanted to post it on your wall.. sigh, but I can't now ;'( - Love, Cold

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Nightmare Everyday

Sigh~ I woke up in fear.. my mind just keep running and I can't went back to sleep.. I fear I might lost you.. and I have lost you.. It's very hard to breathe, as if I have asthma now.. and my heart just keep thumping so hard and fast.. I'm falling sick soon.. My body is very restless.. I'm still feeling so sad.. This still happens when I woke up the next day~ Sigh, it's in my psychology report about this kind of fear and stress I'm handling and I can't handle it.. that's why I'm going to a have a easier position in army.. I hope you can stop my stress.. All I'm hoping for is for you to come back and I will waiting in pain everyday~ I hate it when you say I have 99% hate and 1% love for you.. that's not true.. You don't even understand me~ ;'(

Valentine Tomorrow

Sigh~ tml is Valentine.. Your are going to enjoy.. I'm going to get sad.. It seems I can never had a nice Valentine in my life.. always looking at people in envy.. It's also our Monthsary, I was hoping for this day before.. but no more~ I always had a bad life.. I was borned to be so alone.. ;'(

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Life of Humans

I only hate myself so much because I don't really understand humans.. what they really want.. I'm one of them.. everything they show me.. it makes me feel bad.. I'm cold and dark for a reason.. The reasons lies on people.. My life haven't been great.. everyone is showing me only darkness.. I once trust my best friend but he cheated me.. Now I trusted you and everything went wrong.. I don't really know what to do now.. I'm lost.. I will be forever.. Until someone can prove and show me the truth to this world..

I always asked myself.. "What is Life?" shud I really fill them with hatred and only do the things I like?? but why is everyone doing the same thing? and the same things to me?? I have written about how I hate about humans before and I have once again written it now.. I'm tired of living.. - Cold

Love is really Complicated

You are confused.. so am I.. Your the one who did it all.. I would be forever lost.. I don't want to love again~ You are my 1st and I will make you my last.. I will be waiting.. I may not be experience in Love but I have already felt all it's pain.. I only going love once.. I'm putting everything to it.. it's broken.. I will be waiting for you to fix it.. If all my efforts isn't worth it.. I'm never going to take love seriously again~ - Cold

Impossible

So now, I can only say it's still impossible.. maybe you haven really treat me like your hubby fully because you think we are in a relationship~ or is it me just too dumb to treat you as my wife that I don't even treat this as a relationship? It's also because of our distance.. because we haven met.. I know.. because everything seems harder to be together~ I really hope to be with you one day.. The word you told me once "I LOVE YOU 99%" now i guess they are all a false.. do you even afraid of kissing me?? I'm even hurt when you leave me yet you still love me~ just because you are afraid of hurting me because you might forget me when I'm in NS and so~ false hope are also hope.. when you put in everything.. it might come true one day~ If you really love me and want be with me together, how can I still get hurt? ;'(

Friday, February 11, 2011

Things about Love?

The simplest things you want is just to make your loved ones happy.. not sad.. and when they do, you just want to try your best to make them happy.. when they are happy, you will of course be happy~ Loved ones are meant to be together, if you love someone.. of course you wanna be with that person happily together~ It's about 2 being together doing what they at happy with..

Tiring and busy with work mustn't be the problem in Love~ Even when someone gets frustrated for a day~ It makes just someone you love to cheer you up~ Why fight with your loves ones when they just cared for you?? You will get upset, when on one day.. they are gone.. It's just like the movie spiderman where he quarreled with his uncle and he regrets when he had found out his uncle is gone and he regretted it, he didn't have the chance..
People may get pissed and frustrated at what you do, but it's because they just care.. You may be pissed for a day but you won't be the next.. Love is forgiving, acceptance and being happy with someone.. I know we haven being together but your happy "being" with me through facebook~ I know it's long and you will asked when is it, but if you trust and love me~ you can wait.. Love can wait.. because you will find life more meaningful and happy after your with someone you love~ Love is not tiring, it's people who are tired..

What are you going to choose? Rich but sad or Poor but Happy? Who doesn't want to live in a luxurious house? I don't really mind as long as I'm happy~
I have watched this video in facebook~ it's a very meaningful.. It's about a group of old ladies chatting together and it was New Year and they talked about their son.. the 1st lady proudly say he's son is busy with he's work, he's a lawyer who earn thousands.. he didn't have time for new year with her.. The 2nd lady say he's son is not better than the 1st but he's a doctor and he's overseas working and he's busy for coming back this new year and also bragged about how much he earned, finally the 2 ladies asked the 3rd one reply he's son only had a normal job.. but he's everyday bringing me out.. and when she was talking about he's son, he's car came and he hold his mother in the car~ The only 2 ladies could say goodbye and looked in envy~
That's a real family love.. we love and need love because humans have emotions~ They needed support and care.. when they get that~ they are happy

So Love = Happiness
Happiness = cares, concerns and supports

I love You like my wife, A family Love it is :)

Rain of Tears

It's rainning heavily~ Everytime when I'm down.. ;'( there are also loud thunders~ you said you are afraid of them, I would like to lend you my chest so you can lean on it while I hugged you covering your ears~ but. . . ;'( will it ever happens?? I would like to kiss you in the rain~ lay on the floor with you looking at the sky holding your hands.. I want to see your smile, I want to touch your face~ It's been so long since I lay and having rain falling on my face~ it's very nice sensation.. I hope I can just have it with you one day.. when your down, I would like to try my best to make you happy~ can you just give me a chance and wait for me?? I just wanted you to give me a name~ so I can put in facebook.. i know itachi is very dark and bad.. but you wouldn't have a idea to give me a name ;'(

Alone

why must this happened?? it hurts. . . . Dear?? can you hear me?? where is the girl that once loved me has gone?? why must you do this to me?? it's very painful.. I can't take it.. have you really treated me like your hubby?? then why?? it's unexpected from someone like you.. I treated you as a family.. I'm happy to have known all your family.. I want to be together with you and live happily.. I hate writing down all this because everytime I write, I write it with tears.. but I can't!!

Nobody talks to me, nobody cares how I feel, everyone is doing their own things~ I can't keep this inside.. I feel so alone, I feel so devastated~ Do you really love me?? Then why are you making me in pain?? or you never want to be with me because we are too far?? I don't know.. I'm very stress.. I very lost.. I don't know what to do now~ If that is so.. I'm never going to treat relationship serious anymore!! Now I know why boys always cheat on girls now~!! ;'(

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Simple yet Complicated

Doesn't you change for someone you love and try to do better?? If I were to tell you what I don't like or hate what you do.. will you change?? You always want to be who you want to be and doesn't like to be changed.. If I will to tell you and you never change, I will felt pissed of course..

I just want to go through all this together with you.. can't I?? I love and treat you like my wife or I would even call you my lao po.. Why is it when I'm pissed.. I said the wrong thing, but not to you.. I was wrong?? Then why can't I joke when your pissed and why you can joke?? If you think what I said and my apologies is too late then I should also hate you because you treat me like that just because you are stress and worst still not even done by me in the 1st place?? I only stress so much because of you~!! To have get all this in return.. You said you love me, you care.. I don't see you care, asking me if I'm alright is also care but do you know cheering and encouragement is needed?? How do you cheer up someone?? It's simple.. I just want to hear few sweet words, is that hard??

If nothing is impossible then why does this happened?? why must I stop all this?? I'm going for my happiness is that wrong?? If your always shy and awkward, how can I be straight to tell you how bad I feel?? I don't want to break this dream, I just will wanna give up everything.. If you want to study, just tell me... I can wait or is it because I'm going to NS and you might not love me anymore so your giving up now?? I just want to wait for you and myself so we can see each other soon!! Why does this happened then?? You promised you will wait for me~ looked at all this.. such beautiful moment with such painful memories ;'( why did I print screened it? because I felt so happy when you said it.. I do get happy easily if you talk to me like that~ ;'(

The most selfish line that I've heard yet the sweetest thing everyone loves to hear from their loves one.. "Your Only Mine"
If this is the way you makes your Loves one happy, I treat you as mine and everything, my world.. the world for both of us~ You are the only one that can stop my pain now~ You don't have to say if how long is this already because everything seems like yesterday~ ;'(




Oblivion

I tried to sleep early last night.. I went to sleep at 2am but I couldn't sleep, I looked at my watch.. it was 5am already.. the sky is turning bright.. My mind just keep running and running.. all about you.. I don't understand.. before I stopped thinking about you.. my mind was a total blank and I'm so lost my tears starts falling and I was crying so badly.. ;'(

Did you really treat me as your hubby?? but it seems you just treat this as a relationship only.. You called me that but I think it's just a call.. a fake call.. nothing much.. Or is it because we can't see each other that's why you want to stop or this?? Nothing is impossible is such a lie.. I thought I can do it.. It seems not.. I have given up in everything, even my life.. They are just full of HATES.. I love you more than you love me.. I'm hurt more than you now~ It also seems your not the one I have known in the 1st place.. you have changed so much.. ;'(

FUCK everything!!!

You leave because it is impossible~ because you think I will never see you.. because I can't.. You hate it.. Because you keep waiting and get nothing in the end.. AM I WRONG?? If this everything is going to happened.. I will HATE you for life~ It's true love can change a person a lot.. I'm just not going to trust anyone anymore~!!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bothered

I felt so tired.. I'm so tired of my life.. I shudn't be born.. I wasn't meant to be born.. My mom never thought of having me.. I wouldn't be alive today without technology~ I may not be alive already without you.. I hate my life~ You promised to wait for me, is it just a lie??? ;'(

Hatred

I hate those words you said.. I hate you for doing this.. how can you do this?? I'm never going to trust and love anymore.. I'm also going to have a bad 2011 year~ I'm very unlucky.. I have also received my NS letters.. I hate my life.. I wish to end it soon~ I got so stress my hair is falling so much everyday.. to see my hands filled with so much hairs, I don't really know what to do~ I hate myself.. and I HATE YOU!!~ ;'(

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fear

You once asked about what I fear most in my life.. I actually wanted to say afraid of being alone.. but you too said that.. You said you know what I fear.. is that true?? what is your answer?? We have the same answer.. but why does this happened?? You have friends, you have family.. I envy you.. because I don't have and now your also leaving me behind.. What have I done to get all this?? Do I really have to sit in a corner like this?? You are not the Li Yang I first know~ She cheered me up when I was down at that time.. but everything has changed.. everyone is leaving me alone.. ;'(

Darkness inside

Sigh.. Am I feeling better this way? But I don't think so.. I tried, I can't.. I hate it.. I'm very lost.. someone please help~ who will and who can?? nobody.. ;'(

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hating..

I really hate myself so much.. why am I so stress?? when will all this pain ever stop?? Why did you have to do this? Do you think it's better for me? I don't think so.. No one can replace you, I will never love again.. I hate my life.. I hate it.. I keep falling hair in the bathroom.. is it due to too much stress or lack of sleep~ I'm very tired, I want to end my life.. I'm just a useless junk.. Whenever I talked about this or even write, my tears wud keep falling.. ;'(

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Negative

oh I yesterday went to see my notes in fb.. this 50 truth about me.. and saw what I wrote before..

[FOURTEEN] Is there anyone you would do anything for?
- NO!!~ NO TRUST HUMANS!!

Sigh.. that's the me before~ The negative me.. I was right.. that's maybe how the negative me inside stays so strong.. yeah nothing's wrong being negative.. I'm always right.. talk of hopes are fakes too.. they why can't people face this reality then??

That is why I hate humans and everyone.. I'm part of it.. I hate myself.. Cold

Friday, January 28, 2011

Stress

Cried this morning when things came into my mind again~ I have this feel.. I feel like dying~ Dying on this date, because everything is going to come back.. I can't take it, it's on the Valentine~ also our Monthsary.. What am I suppose to do?? I'm very blank now, I'm very lost.. Living everyday is suffering.. I hope I can just end this soon.. I may not rest in peace but what else can I do?? ;'(

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hating Life

Sigh~ I just don't understand.. I really have no choice, I don't want to say, because I'm afraid you think I'm demanding and I also don't wanna say out what I don't like about what you do~ Yet you don't like me to hide.. :'(

What am I going to do? you don't like me talk to your friends~ I have no one to talked to.. I feel bad keeping inside~ why can't you let me vent it out?? I'm very confused~ What shud I really do? I can't do this, I cant do that~ I can't even ask advice or vent out my stress?? Yet when I asked, that I can't vent it out?? you say why? it's therapeutic.. I'm really stressed and confused.. Yeah it's like a both way dead end.. I wrote it on my Facebook status even before this happened.. ;'(

Maybe I'm a bad talker~ what I really want to say is.. you never spice up our life love life for just a little~ I nvr got one~ I always tried new things to make you happy and feel surprise~ hope you understand, I just wanna make you happy.. it's not I didn't see your efforts just that you are always so quiet and shy.. I never thought that you will still be so shy until now~ I'm surprised, yeah I'm just stupid~ I can't feel your shy or what, I'm just stupid.. I told you I am and you wudn't believe me~

I hate everyone.. they are the same~ why must the one I trusted most did this? How can I be better? I hope you can accept who I am~ why won't you let me try? I can't pass for just a time, even people fail lots of time to succeed~ I hate myself, I hate my life.. My bestfriend cheated me and you did this~ how can I accept to trust someone? It's also a reality not to trust anyone, but don't you accept the fact then? I really can't take it anymore!! ;'(

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dreams

I actually dreamt of me as a GUNZ character.. using dagger poking someone on the staircase towards underground~ lol.. maybe I played too much.. later on I dreamt of me and my dear playing gunz~ maybe it must be last night the vid I watched in youtube.. I also dreamt of Adrian reading medical notes and writing in a clinic i think.. I asked why your here? He said because there is nurse here so I can ask them for the things I don't know.. wow he's in someone's clinic doing his homework, now trying to ask someone for help when they are working lol..

Later on I dreamt of me in some sort of place.. Then this place is like in US or something, there were Caucasians, now I'm at the carpark.. I tried to jump on this high stone wall which leads to another carpark? there is also cars there.. I then started playing parkour maybe I'm bored.. My mom and brother is there~ I went back a little and started running and jumped pass the front of this jeep this old man started chasing me.. I started running and jumping on top of cars, it's like anti-gravity or I have jumped too high~ because I landed slower than real, I mean the time I was in air~ then people saw and started chasing me also~ there were total 3 person chasing me.. I almost got caught by the old man because after I jumped I land so slowly.. he could have caught me but he didn't lol~ I started running to a lane with many cars then I started to jump on cars I think.. then I jumped on this panel thing like the one you see at bus stop advertisement I reached the shopping centre.. I just keep running inside and I think I have no place to go and they caught me.. There is 2 guy, a black guy and white guy~ then I give them my bag~ maybe they think I steal things from cars and run.. they check my bag and throw things out they saw a file with my name on it.. then they say why I don't wanna tell them my name earlier, I said he didnt asked.. well I was free to go, I think he said something and me too~ he turned and walked and the same time saying something, becuz what I said seems like I didn't change~

Then I go thru this door beside me.. then I am like in a big ship, like star cruise~ then there was a Caucasian man and woman talking, dressed in Sailor uniform~ so I asked them where can go down.. so they show me it's to the left~ I wanted to find my mother and hope she is still there waiting and didn't go around.. beside me is a wide and huge sea~ then I reached the end.. I saw this beautiful church or castle.. it's yellowish brown and pointy on top I then stopped and used my phone to capture such a nice scene~ there is also pigeons flying.. so I caught it~ there is also this china kid and his mom, they were over the ledge sitting on the stone path.. the kid then snatch my phone.. I didn't let go and tried to pull back if I lend him my phone there is chance he will dropped it in the sea~ after he said to his mom "哇,很好摸leh" lol~ because my screen is smooth to touch.. and I think I woke up already.. lol.. I think I already forgot my mom.. it's about 8am when I woke up~

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Restless

It's been many days since then.. Yesterday night I was think about her for the whole night.. I can't stop, I know I'm half awake because whenever I'm awake I started to think about her.. I really hope we can be together one day~ I hope she won't leave me just like that.. I hate long distance relationship.

You said you are confused, you said you know it's all your fault.. now what am I going to do? I'm so blank in the space.. I'm even more confused when you don't even know what your doing.. Then what am I really going to do now? All I want is you.. What's wrong?? Isn't it good when someone can't live without you?? Is that wrong?? What is it??

Monday, January 10, 2011

Cat's are lucky

Yesterday night~ The sky was orange in colour.. it was so bright.. I slept at around 3am.. I got up and kneel at my bed and said:"FWUAH!!".. LOL, cuz I nvr seen a sky so bright orange.. They are like changing everyday, before is Red, now Orange, what's next? purple? I wud like to see that~ It so wonderful.. Never expect the nature to have something like that.. Well I did turn sad yesterday night before I sleep because I think back about the things you said.. :'( and yes.. today it's rainning again..

I stopped using computer for a while today, and I looked down at my window at the kitchen.. There were 2 malay guys feeding cats, how I envy the cat's life.. Got to get food everyday and the people came here by car just for them~ There was this male cat eating half way and ran under the car to hide.. maybe it's cold and rainning.. The guy just take it's food and put under the car.. WOW!! The cat is really so lucky.. serving them like a king.. oh how I know it's a male cat from this far? hmm can see.. it's obvious~

And there is also a female cat, it just came only.. The guy give her food also, but it starts to lean and rub against the guy's legs.. Only after she eat but only a little.. Then the guy open his car and the female cat went in.. haha~ he closed the door and open after sometimes, continuously.. It still didn't want to come out, resting inside.. The guy's then talk and smoke outside.. Even after I have finished bathing, the cat is still resting inside his car and the rain is getting heavier.. The guy just wander near their cars.. Those cat is really so lucky.. how I wish I was them..

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dream of You

Yesterday night~ The sky was red.. I can only gaze at the sky thru my window while laying on my bed.. All I think of is you.. When I fell asleep, I dreamt of you again.. We were so happy together, I'm taking a video of you while we were facing each other in a restaurant like Macdonalds.. I can only see you smiling, I then went a cross to hug you from behind.. but why has it to be only a dream? :(

Friday, January 7, 2011

3 in 1 dreams

Last night I went to sleep without crying, maybe a drop only? Things starts running in my mind.. I felt I was a changed person, I know who I have become.. lol.. maybe it's just to forgot everything.. I must have gone crazy not to tear tonight and have wild weird thoughts, too stress? maybe.. I then slept, I started to have beautiful dreams..

1st time I was at somewhere at night, there is this man-made building with lights on it.. it's very beautiful and I remember seeing this white colour F shape designed building, it was nice also..

2nd dream is I dream of a place where the area is wide and open and it's nature but not all, the path is man-made and trees are 2 each at a side and middle is big path.. I then see hot-air balloons, I started waving to them lol.. like how monster hunter game did.. I think I see a human, it's a dot. if it is then balloon must be big and far because it looks like a normal size balloon from where I see, thinking it must be a paradise up there, where clouds are below.. I also remember I dream about me at my workplace lol even I never had one.. I still remember my desk is the one near the door and when I got out, I see big cities.. it's like Hong Kong or Japan or America, everywhere is car and a lot of people.. big tall buidlings, just in front of me is road and at my left is a "+" road...

3rd dream, It's very fantasy, hahaha.. I dream of a group of dark, dirty and a little hairy beasts in a wooden locked jail? About 10 to 20 beasts they were a group together.. I then have mixed up with other group of monsters also lol and about same amount of beasts.. Their face are different but bodies somewhat same as them, they also walk 2-legged.. My clan leader was talking to them, where they were locked up.. after we leaved I then found weapons and tell my clan.. after that we have a fight and the gate was opened, hehe yeah we are fierce!! Different beasts fights, I can't remember if my clan or theirs have bird-face, like beak or maybe im wrong that none of them have, forgotten.. I haven't fought because I'm at the back, the gate was small also.. I then forgot about the fight, like I stopped there..

I then dreamt of my cousin, I think it's after the fight or something, he said kill him if he had turned a vampire, in my hand there is one katana also but not very long and he instant change already when he talked to me, teeths below starts coming out thru his meat, I told him and he gave me the permission to stab him, I then tried to stabbed him in the heart, it's hard to stabbed through, the sword goes through him slowly and I see he was in pain, he didn't die.. maybe I didn't hit his heart, I went to his back and stabbed again, the sword goes thru slowly and he's in pain again but didn't die.. He then take my katana and stabbed it upper, near the lungs area, he stabbed in fast.. I thought I don't have the strength lol~ I then think I woke up or stop dreaming already, I don't know what happened next.. I woke up at about 7+am i missed called my girl again, hmm I think I still miss her..

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Acceptance

I will learn to understand you, just take it as me knowing you as a friend before starting a relationship with you.. I just hope you can accept me once again.. I want to get back my dreams.. to me it's like your the only girl in this world.. The best gift is Acceptance.. I hope you will accept me again one day.. :'(

Foolish

It's been a week and I'm still shedding tears right now.. I really don't understand why? It hurts a lot when your deeply in Love~ I hate myself!! Why am I like this? Why can't I understand her better? I can't take it because I trust you so much that you wouldn't do this to me yet this happens~ Writing all this just makes me cry harder, why does my life always have to be such a torture? I just want to say I LOVE YOU deeply.. please don't do this to me.. I'm very sorry to have hurt you also.. Why can't we just solved this out? You said you love me, we should just do this together, if you need time and space.. I will allow you, but please don't break with me and make it as if I never had a chance to be with you..

You say I don't trust you, I'm not.. If you say someone who is sad, happy or angry.. the words they says comes from their heart.. I'm so sad now, I want to die.. why am I still living in this foolish world? I know things will get better if we are together, maybe long distance relationship can't last long.. so the word you taught me nothing is impossible.. is it just crap? It's almost impossible now, I hate the way you do this to me.. I really hate it.. :'(

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hate and Love

I HATE MYSELF!! I HATE FOR THE THINGS I HAVE DONE.. THERE IS NO TURNING BACK!! WHAT DONE IS DONE!! IS IT WRONG TO BE CRAZY FOR SOMEONE? IS IT WRONG THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS LOVE AND TRUST? EVEN IT'S IN ME? WHY DOES BEING DEPENDENCE ON SOMEONE IS WRONG, BECAUSE I HAVE TRUST TO PUT EVERYTHING IN IT? WHO DOESN'T SAY WRONG WORDS WHEN ANGRY? WHEN I'M ANGRY WITH SOMEONE I HOPE HE WAS DEAD!!

WHY MUST YOU DO THIS? I HATE YOU FOR THIS.. BECAUSE BEFORE WE MET.. I DON'T HAVE PRECIOUS THINGS LEFT, LIFE SUCK BUT THEN I FOUND YOU.. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU ARE THIS PRECIOUS THINGS TO ME.. YOU THOUGHT ME EVERYTHING, MAYBE THAT'S WHY I DEPEND ON SOMEONE LIKE YOU.. YOUR MY ROLE MODEL.. AND NOW YOU HAVE BROKEN EVERYTHING.. MY TRUST, MY DREAMS, EVEN WHAT YOU HAVE THOUGHT ME TO LIVE.. HOW CAN I TRUST SOMEONE NEXT TIME? EVERYBODY IS THE SAME!! EVERY HUMAN TREATS ME THE SAME.. THEY ARE LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT, JUST CAN'T BE TRUSTED!!