Saturday, January 29, 2011

Negative

oh I yesterday went to see my notes in fb.. this 50 truth about me.. and saw what I wrote before..

[FOURTEEN] Is there anyone you would do anything for?
- NO!!~ NO TRUST HUMANS!!

Sigh.. that's the me before~ The negative me.. I was right.. that's maybe how the negative me inside stays so strong.. yeah nothing's wrong being negative.. I'm always right.. talk of hopes are fakes too.. they why can't people face this reality then??

That is why I hate humans and everyone.. I'm part of it.. I hate myself.. Cold

Friday, January 28, 2011

Stress

Cried this morning when things came into my mind again~ I have this feel.. I feel like dying~ Dying on this date, because everything is going to come back.. I can't take it, it's on the Valentine~ also our Monthsary.. What am I suppose to do?? I'm very blank now, I'm very lost.. Living everyday is suffering.. I hope I can just end this soon.. I may not rest in peace but what else can I do?? ;'(

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hating Life

Sigh~ I just don't understand.. I really have no choice, I don't want to say, because I'm afraid you think I'm demanding and I also don't wanna say out what I don't like about what you do~ Yet you don't like me to hide.. :'(

What am I going to do? you don't like me talk to your friends~ I have no one to talked to.. I feel bad keeping inside~ why can't you let me vent it out?? I'm very confused~ What shud I really do? I can't do this, I cant do that~ I can't even ask advice or vent out my stress?? Yet when I asked, that I can't vent it out?? you say why? it's therapeutic.. I'm really stressed and confused.. Yeah it's like a both way dead end.. I wrote it on my Facebook status even before this happened.. ;'(

Maybe I'm a bad talker~ what I really want to say is.. you never spice up our life love life for just a little~ I nvr got one~ I always tried new things to make you happy and feel surprise~ hope you understand, I just wanna make you happy.. it's not I didn't see your efforts just that you are always so quiet and shy.. I never thought that you will still be so shy until now~ I'm surprised, yeah I'm just stupid~ I can't feel your shy or what, I'm just stupid.. I told you I am and you wudn't believe me~

I hate everyone.. they are the same~ why must the one I trusted most did this? How can I be better? I hope you can accept who I am~ why won't you let me try? I can't pass for just a time, even people fail lots of time to succeed~ I hate myself, I hate my life.. My bestfriend cheated me and you did this~ how can I accept to trust someone? It's also a reality not to trust anyone, but don't you accept the fact then? I really can't take it anymore!! ;'(

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dreams

I actually dreamt of me as a GUNZ character.. using dagger poking someone on the staircase towards underground~ lol.. maybe I played too much.. later on I dreamt of me and my dear playing gunz~ maybe it must be last night the vid I watched in youtube.. I also dreamt of Adrian reading medical notes and writing in a clinic i think.. I asked why your here? He said because there is nurse here so I can ask them for the things I don't know.. wow he's in someone's clinic doing his homework, now trying to ask someone for help when they are working lol..

Later on I dreamt of me in some sort of place.. Then this place is like in US or something, there were Caucasians, now I'm at the carpark.. I tried to jump on this high stone wall which leads to another carpark? there is also cars there.. I then started playing parkour maybe I'm bored.. My mom and brother is there~ I went back a little and started running and jumped pass the front of this jeep this old man started chasing me.. I started running and jumping on top of cars, it's like anti-gravity or I have jumped too high~ because I landed slower than real, I mean the time I was in air~ then people saw and started chasing me also~ there were total 3 person chasing me.. I almost got caught by the old man because after I jumped I land so slowly.. he could have caught me but he didn't lol~ I started running to a lane with many cars then I started to jump on cars I think.. then I jumped on this panel thing like the one you see at bus stop advertisement I reached the shopping centre.. I just keep running inside and I think I have no place to go and they caught me.. There is 2 guy, a black guy and white guy~ then I give them my bag~ maybe they think I steal things from cars and run.. they check my bag and throw things out they saw a file with my name on it.. then they say why I don't wanna tell them my name earlier, I said he didnt asked.. well I was free to go, I think he said something and me too~ he turned and walked and the same time saying something, becuz what I said seems like I didn't change~

Then I go thru this door beside me.. then I am like in a big ship, like star cruise~ then there was a Caucasian man and woman talking, dressed in Sailor uniform~ so I asked them where can go down.. so they show me it's to the left~ I wanted to find my mother and hope she is still there waiting and didn't go around.. beside me is a wide and huge sea~ then I reached the end.. I saw this beautiful church or castle.. it's yellowish brown and pointy on top I then stopped and used my phone to capture such a nice scene~ there is also pigeons flying.. so I caught it~ there is also this china kid and his mom, they were over the ledge sitting on the stone path.. the kid then snatch my phone.. I didn't let go and tried to pull back if I lend him my phone there is chance he will dropped it in the sea~ after he said to his mom "哇,很好摸leh" lol~ because my screen is smooth to touch.. and I think I woke up already.. lol.. I think I already forgot my mom.. it's about 8am when I woke up~

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Restless

It's been many days since then.. Yesterday night I was think about her for the whole night.. I can't stop, I know I'm half awake because whenever I'm awake I started to think about her.. I really hope we can be together one day~ I hope she won't leave me just like that.. I hate long distance relationship.

You said you are confused, you said you know it's all your fault.. now what am I going to do? I'm so blank in the space.. I'm even more confused when you don't even know what your doing.. Then what am I really going to do now? All I want is you.. What's wrong?? Isn't it good when someone can't live without you?? Is that wrong?? What is it??

Monday, January 10, 2011

Cat's are lucky

Yesterday night~ The sky was orange in colour.. it was so bright.. I slept at around 3am.. I got up and kneel at my bed and said:"FWUAH!!".. LOL, cuz I nvr seen a sky so bright orange.. They are like changing everyday, before is Red, now Orange, what's next? purple? I wud like to see that~ It so wonderful.. Never expect the nature to have something like that.. Well I did turn sad yesterday night before I sleep because I think back about the things you said.. :'( and yes.. today it's rainning again..

I stopped using computer for a while today, and I looked down at my window at the kitchen.. There were 2 malay guys feeding cats, how I envy the cat's life.. Got to get food everyday and the people came here by car just for them~ There was this male cat eating half way and ran under the car to hide.. maybe it's cold and rainning.. The guy just take it's food and put under the car.. WOW!! The cat is really so lucky.. serving them like a king.. oh how I know it's a male cat from this far? hmm can see.. it's obvious~

And there is also a female cat, it just came only.. The guy give her food also, but it starts to lean and rub against the guy's legs.. Only after she eat but only a little.. Then the guy open his car and the female cat went in.. haha~ he closed the door and open after sometimes, continuously.. It still didn't want to come out, resting inside.. The guy's then talk and smoke outside.. Even after I have finished bathing, the cat is still resting inside his car and the rain is getting heavier.. The guy just wander near their cars.. Those cat is really so lucky.. how I wish I was them..

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dream of You

Yesterday night~ The sky was red.. I can only gaze at the sky thru my window while laying on my bed.. All I think of is you.. When I fell asleep, I dreamt of you again.. We were so happy together, I'm taking a video of you while we were facing each other in a restaurant like Macdonalds.. I can only see you smiling, I then went a cross to hug you from behind.. but why has it to be only a dream? :(

Friday, January 7, 2011

3 in 1 dreams

Last night I went to sleep without crying, maybe a drop only? Things starts running in my mind.. I felt I was a changed person, I know who I have become.. lol.. maybe it's just to forgot everything.. I must have gone crazy not to tear tonight and have wild weird thoughts, too stress? maybe.. I then slept, I started to have beautiful dreams..

1st time I was at somewhere at night, there is this man-made building with lights on it.. it's very beautiful and I remember seeing this white colour F shape designed building, it was nice also..

2nd dream is I dream of a place where the area is wide and open and it's nature but not all, the path is man-made and trees are 2 each at a side and middle is big path.. I then see hot-air balloons, I started waving to them lol.. like how monster hunter game did.. I think I see a human, it's a dot. if it is then balloon must be big and far because it looks like a normal size balloon from where I see, thinking it must be a paradise up there, where clouds are below.. I also remember I dream about me at my workplace lol even I never had one.. I still remember my desk is the one near the door and when I got out, I see big cities.. it's like Hong Kong or Japan or America, everywhere is car and a lot of people.. big tall buidlings, just in front of me is road and at my left is a "+" road...

3rd dream, It's very fantasy, hahaha.. I dream of a group of dark, dirty and a little hairy beasts in a wooden locked jail? About 10 to 20 beasts they were a group together.. I then have mixed up with other group of monsters also lol and about same amount of beasts.. Their face are different but bodies somewhat same as them, they also walk 2-legged.. My clan leader was talking to them, where they were locked up.. after we leaved I then found weapons and tell my clan.. after that we have a fight and the gate was opened, hehe yeah we are fierce!! Different beasts fights, I can't remember if my clan or theirs have bird-face, like beak or maybe im wrong that none of them have, forgotten.. I haven't fought because I'm at the back, the gate was small also.. I then forgot about the fight, like I stopped there..

I then dreamt of my cousin, I think it's after the fight or something, he said kill him if he had turned a vampire, in my hand there is one katana also but not very long and he instant change already when he talked to me, teeths below starts coming out thru his meat, I told him and he gave me the permission to stab him, I then tried to stabbed him in the heart, it's hard to stabbed through, the sword goes through him slowly and I see he was in pain, he didn't die.. maybe I didn't hit his heart, I went to his back and stabbed again, the sword goes thru slowly and he's in pain again but didn't die.. He then take my katana and stabbed it upper, near the lungs area, he stabbed in fast.. I thought I don't have the strength lol~ I then think I woke up or stop dreaming already, I don't know what happened next.. I woke up at about 7+am i missed called my girl again, hmm I think I still miss her..

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Acceptance

I will learn to understand you, just take it as me knowing you as a friend before starting a relationship with you.. I just hope you can accept me once again.. I want to get back my dreams.. to me it's like your the only girl in this world.. The best gift is Acceptance.. I hope you will accept me again one day.. :'(

Foolish

It's been a week and I'm still shedding tears right now.. I really don't understand why? It hurts a lot when your deeply in Love~ I hate myself!! Why am I like this? Why can't I understand her better? I can't take it because I trust you so much that you wouldn't do this to me yet this happens~ Writing all this just makes me cry harder, why does my life always have to be such a torture? I just want to say I LOVE YOU deeply.. please don't do this to me.. I'm very sorry to have hurt you also.. Why can't we just solved this out? You said you love me, we should just do this together, if you need time and space.. I will allow you, but please don't break with me and make it as if I never had a chance to be with you..

You say I don't trust you, I'm not.. If you say someone who is sad, happy or angry.. the words they says comes from their heart.. I'm so sad now, I want to die.. why am I still living in this foolish world? I know things will get better if we are together, maybe long distance relationship can't last long.. so the word you taught me nothing is impossible.. is it just crap? It's almost impossible now, I hate the way you do this to me.. I really hate it.. :'(

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hate and Love

I HATE MYSELF!! I HATE FOR THE THINGS I HAVE DONE.. THERE IS NO TURNING BACK!! WHAT DONE IS DONE!! IS IT WRONG TO BE CRAZY FOR SOMEONE? IS IT WRONG THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS LOVE AND TRUST? EVEN IT'S IN ME? WHY DOES BEING DEPENDENCE ON SOMEONE IS WRONG, BECAUSE I HAVE TRUST TO PUT EVERYTHING IN IT? WHO DOESN'T SAY WRONG WORDS WHEN ANGRY? WHEN I'M ANGRY WITH SOMEONE I HOPE HE WAS DEAD!!

WHY MUST YOU DO THIS? I HATE YOU FOR THIS.. BECAUSE BEFORE WE MET.. I DON'T HAVE PRECIOUS THINGS LEFT, LIFE SUCK BUT THEN I FOUND YOU.. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU ARE THIS PRECIOUS THINGS TO ME.. YOU THOUGHT ME EVERYTHING, MAYBE THAT'S WHY I DEPEND ON SOMEONE LIKE YOU.. YOUR MY ROLE MODEL.. AND NOW YOU HAVE BROKEN EVERYTHING.. MY TRUST, MY DREAMS, EVEN WHAT YOU HAVE THOUGHT ME TO LIVE.. HOW CAN I TRUST SOMEONE NEXT TIME? EVERYBODY IS THE SAME!! EVERY HUMAN TREATS ME THE SAME.. THEY ARE LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT, JUST CAN'T BE TRUSTED!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Love Fear

I still feel so cold~ my feet my heart.. I still fear~ My breath is soul-less they are like crying.. I feel so sad.. I feel alone.. So rejected.. Emptiness in my stomach yet they are full of air inside.. waiting for time to go fast.. want to sleep forever.. wake up when everything's fine.. This is not a dream.. This is Pain..